Then – December 30, 1998
Another Christmas passed, New Year right around the corner. It snowed on 12/23. The night before we left for Michigan.
Marcus came home and was not happy. As usual I got the brunt of it. All I wanted was to spend a nice evening with Marcus, but that was not to be. I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life like this. I feel like I am another burden on his life. I refuse to be treated that way. I was very upset. I went for a walk. It was snowing. It was so beautiful and I felt so alone. The tears dried on my cheeks and made them feel warm. I was certain this was it. My year was done. Most people don’t even get a year. I actually felt lucky. My fantasy was complete. What more could I ask for? I had amazing feelings for a year and now they were gone. I would be happy alone.
Marcus came to find me. I was so surprised to see him. It was very emotional for us both. I really felt it was over. He asked me to give him a week and finally I agreed. I told him I would go to Michigan because I wanted to see his family. Christmas Eve day was exhausting. We didn’t sleep until 3am. Thank goodness for one of his older sisters. When we got there, it finally felt like Christmas and I wasn’t celebrating alone any longer. We made cookies, wrapped presents and had dinner. There were moments I wanted things to be okay between Marcus and me, but I couldn’t let myself. Christmas morning I couldn’t even wish him a merry one. I called my mom and sis. We went to his sister’s and picked up her son on the way. Seeing him with Marcus melted my heart. Christmas Day we were okay. We talked a lot Christmas night. I fell in love again. I must be the biggest loser. Why do I let this happen to me over and over again? Why do I love him so much? Again I wanted to talk about getting married and when we would have children. I am on a rollercoaster, but there is only the up and down with minimal coasting.
Our trip to Michigan was overall a good one. We opened our presents the night we got back. Our tree was not going to make it any longer. It was fun. I love my gifts. It would appear that I did okay for Marcus too…I was hoping for a gift that would, well you know…tell me I was special. I thought our first year together it would happen. Why is this important to me?
Today I saw the signs of Marcus stressing and on the edge of how he gets when he treats me like a stranger. It scares me so much. I tried to ignore it and let it pass. It did. Can he not handle the regular stresses of life?
Tomorrow I will finish this journal with thoughts on the year. Where is 1999 going to lead me?
More Then – December 31, 1998
The last day of 1998… Today I did errands to prepare for tonight and tomorrow. I am truly an at home mom with no children, hopefully some day that will change.
So much has changed during the past year. I fell in love at the end of 1997 and it changed my life for hopefully ever.
My wishes for 1999 are that I continue to find myself, that Marcus and I continue to learn about each other and that our love continues to grow. I am so thankful for such a wonderful and amazing year. If 1999 is only half as good, it will still be a good year.
Now – I love my home away from home in Grand Cayman. It was an amazing trip. In some photos it even looks like Marcus and I are happy together. There were definite moments when we were. He even spent a day in the dreaded sand with us on the public beach. He hates sand. Granted he spent most of it snorkeling out in the water, but still it gave me time to sit on the beach and the children time to dig and make sand creations.
I remember leaving our apartment in NYC crying right before Christmas 1998. I really thought that was the end of our relationship. Maybe it should have been. For whatever reasons, we have maintained our relationship and our marriage. For the past couple of years when neither of us were happy, we tried to make it livable. I started this journal one year ago to help me grow through the experience of lasting another year in my marriage. I lasted! Right now, it may even be more than livable.
In any case I have learned a lot about what is acceptable to me and what is not in my relationship with my husband. I have gained strength and empowered myself by talking to attorneys and counselors – and my close friends. I have examined the importance of my own happiness in the framework of family life. I understand that children are a great reason to work on a marriage, but not a reason to stay in an unhealthy one. I have examined myself to the core and know that I will be okay no matter what the future of my marriage may hold and so will my children.
My personal blogging experiment is over. I thank myself for this outlet of self-expression to work through a difficult time. If it helps someone else along the way, even better. Here’s to 2014!